The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.