4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.