Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.