My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it