If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
What
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Best spoiler warning ever
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok