Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.