[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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