Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.