The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Risking my life for fun.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
The Punning Dead.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.