[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.