Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You Might Also Like
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.