[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*