CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.