I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose