Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
this is how life feels
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
What personal space?
My dog
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
War & Peace
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500