I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Feels
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.