Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
podcasts
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.