Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference