*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.