Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.