Free him
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I was bored.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral