Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
You Might Also Like
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it