Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working