Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?