cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
The old gods are rising again.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up