This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
You Might Also Like
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir