Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
we’re dead?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
One of the best
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???