TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that