me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don鈥檛 know
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Mary Poppins: 馃幎A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down馃幎
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn鈥檛 looking
(Jupiter –
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Imagine owning a dragon鈥ow set yourself on fire, because that鈥檚 what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it鈥檚 mineFOREMAN: guys remember we鈥檙e building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can鈥檛 touch this
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
Been coming here every day for six years and I鈥檓 starting to lose hope.
If you鈥檙e worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Hey kid.. don鈥檛 let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
So that’s what we looked like?