Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
No. YOU-buprofen.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy