Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
grotesque if literal: baby food
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Lassie, get help!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Brother?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭