I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
BRAKING NEWS!!
This is my favorite one of these!
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Bread puns are on the rise!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.