My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe