Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.