I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
You Might Also Like
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.