WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Boating season is upon us.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Muppet Screams
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
*bites zombie*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason