[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix