Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
💯😂
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.