Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You Might Also Like
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?