Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂