[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t