The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
You Might Also Like
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things