A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
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Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados