ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists