Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.