It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family