*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
🍞🦆
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”