Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.