there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Straight people are cancelled
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.