Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
A customer told me they were never coming back….
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.